Pre-departure.

Hello everyone!

I am leaving for Italy to study abroad in about 20 days, and I want to keep a blog while I'm there. I'll be gone for 114 days and I don't want to forget anything that I experience while I'm over there! So this is the beginning.

First, I wanted to start with how I'm feeling about being gone for so long. Here's the thing: I'm super excited, I really am. I mean, come on, I'm studying in Italy! What's better than the food, culture, language and people of another country? The culture is what's most exciting for me: I can't wait to see how I interact with the locals and conduct myself in another country. It'll be an eye-opening experience being completely independent.

But here's the other thing: This is my home. These are my friends and family and bed and cats and whatnot. So much can happen in that span of time, and it freaks me out that I won't know what's going on back home while I'm gone. Isn't that weird to think of? Here's all of these people I see every day on campus, whether it's in class or Benny's or anywhere else, and I will not see any of them for four months. It's crazy!

So I'm this weird in between about leaving right now. As excited I am, I'm also nervous. Did I mention that I'm taking all of my classes in Italian as well? Oh, yeah that's happening, too. Italians talk extremely fast, and I'm worried I won't be able to understand what's going on and then I'll fail and ahhhhh. I mean, I've been learning the Italian language for the past nine years, so hopefully that helps me out a bit. I'm supposed to be living with international and Italian students, so maybe that will help as well.

Either way, my Italian is going to become damn good. I really am going to miss everyone, though. All of my friends at school, my brothers, my parents, my kitties...it'll be difficult to adjust.

I want to get the most out of my experience, though, so I'll fight through the nervousness and anxiety and make the best of my time abroad!

Stay tuned...I will probably freak out more during the next couple weeks.

Just saying. Three weeks until I leave? What?

This is life.

Sometimes, he catches my eye and I'm taken back to a different time. There's so many pictures on my wall, and he is not in one of them. I look at myself in the pictures, and I can see the difference. It's not just from him; it's life in general. What happened to everyone? It seems so different than it once was. Can't quite put my finger on it, but something has changed.

Maybe it's just me.

I can see the difference. My eyes are hollow. There once was a fire that burned deep within me, but nothing gets me anymore. I don't feel anything, but I've accepted it. The crying has stopped, for the most part. The past is bubbling, threatening to overflow like a pot of boiling water. The eruption is coming; when and where I cannot say. In drunken stupors I lash out and lose myself, but what good does that do? Morning comes and I can still feel the emptiness. Alcohol is just the temporary, numbing solution.

Music. Each song drives a stake of depression deeper and deeper into my gut until I'm doubled over with dry heaves. I'm not hungry. I don't sleep. This is worse than before; where did I lose myself? Can anyone see the loss of will I have now? Try to be strong. Don't go over the edge. I can handle this.


Lies. I wait for the day to end, floating through every class and meeting and encounter a ghost. When I crawl into bed, I cannot recall the last meal I ate, who I've seen, or what I've done. Everything is meaningless and useless.

Bland. Mundane. Nonexistent.

I used to be so terrified of not existing. I welcome it. Numb me. Give me anesthesia and put me to sleep so I can rest my throbbing head and aching body. Constantly tired, I'm in a haze. Foggy.

I just want to forget.

Realization.

So I turned twenty-one. It still seems surreal. And it isn't the fact that I can now legally drink...I think it is that I waited so long to be able to say "I'm heading to the bar" simply because all of my friends are older and have been able to do that for a while now. All in all, I feel like I'm getting old and growing up and that my age does not correspond with my maturity level.

I feel like I have this huge responsibility now, and I don't know why. That is just how I'm feeling...all of this extra weight on my shoulders. Maybe it is because I'm another year older. Maybe it's because I have a lot on my plate. Or maybe it's just because I'm happy most of the time with a blurred edge of sadness and I can't seem to shake it. Who knows.

All I know is to write what I know. I know that it feels like I've been in college for months and months rather than just four weeks. I know that so much has happened in so little time, and I am constantly surprised by the sharp turns my life takes. I know that I am making friends and losing friends. I know that, for the most part, I hover on the line of confusion and clarity. I know that I cannot wait to get out of here on an airplane and go to a remote part of Italy and chill for five months. These are things I know.

I can't really write what I don't know because it would probably look something like this:

gewiohgioewjgyrhieyopwjhyeiopwiopy LIFE ghrioheriowujyeiowyhetiwtewhtieow IS gbrweuioghetioqhetgioqhtewohtoewCRAAZYgewophgoewgwenoweyjotepwtjeowtnmewopjhtewn

So, as you can see, my thoughts are all over the place, and it is probably better that I write what I know. I like using my words to express thoughts and feelings, but sometimes, things are better left unsaid and I wish that my heart would listen to my brain sometimes when it says, "Jazmine, I know you feel a certain way, but you got to shut the fuck up." Probably would make life just that much easier.

Really, I love the fact that not many people read this blog. One of my professors asked me what I write about. Is there supposed to be a theme? I just get on here and I think, "Hm, what is pissing me off today?" and I run with it. Isn't that better than forcing yourself to write about something you know you or anyone else doesn't care about? I sure as hell think so.

My family is visiting on Saturday, and I couldn't be more thrilled. After getting a concussion and spending four hours in the emergency room, I surely could use a mom hug. Which really are the best hugs. Moms can make everything feel better, even when you know that nothing is all right. A mom sort of softens the blow, makes you forget for a while how messed up everything is.

I wonder if anyone else does what I do. Sometimes, I will look at a person and think about if they are actually happy or if they are pretending. I know people can't tell the difference when I do, so I wonder if I can even tell.


I love tangents. My blog posts? One big tangent. You're welcome.

A long pause.

Sometimes, it take me a while to write these blog posts. I don't know why. I could start one and have it just sitting on my computer screen for weeks, and I'll come back to it and think, What was I trying to do here? Other times, I will sit looking at the blinking cursor and be wondering what the hell I have to write about anyways?

I suppose that no matter what happens in a person's life, it seems like the biggest occurrence to them. For instance, anything that has happened in my life, I try not to complain about because I know other people who have been through worse. And isn't that the way we should think? Considering all of the awful things that could happen to me in this lifetime, I'm pretty damn lucky. I just try to remember that before I complain or cry or do any irrational action.

Won't lie, though, my life is a crazy rollercoaster. I don't know which way is up and which way is down half of the time. If you try to ask me how I'm feeling, you'll get an "I'm good," but most of it's bullshit. What else am I supposed to say? When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really want to hear about their shitty lives and how overwhelming some insignificant detail is? Call me when you have a real problem, please. Except I never say that. I'll play psychologist 24/7 if I have to. Listening...it's in my nature. And besides, I actually care about people and their problems, no matter how big or small. I've been there.

I've been in the situation where there is literally nothing wrong in my life but I still feel helpless, useless, and shitty and still want to end my life. And how do you convey that to people? People who actually deal with hardships. How do you tell someone who's mom died that you have a great family and good friends and do well in school that you are depressed and want to kill yourself? You just don't. And that's how these things happen.

It's just like how my school has been. Do you think I'm going to complain to my friend who lost her dad and my other friend who lost her brother in a car accident that I'm upset about my breakup? Fuck no. That's so fucked on so many levels that I don't even know how to express myself. And the worst part is that they keep asking me how I'm doing and I just want to scream who gives a fuck about me? Things could be so much worse!

Then I get this concussion and I guess it's pretty bad and all these people are worried about me, right? All I can think is that he is too ignorant to text me and be like hey, I know we aren't talking right now but I know you're in the hospital, is everything okay? Maybe he doesn't know, but I think he would by now and it still bothers me he hasn't said anything because he's a coward and I just have to accept that.


God, it feels so good to just write. These are kind of like journal entries, except they are public and anyone can read them. I don't mind, though. Maybe one day someone will comment and be like HEY I feel the same way you do about this. And I'll be like SWEET let's have a conversation.

And who knows? It may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Where is my mind?

So this is it. The beginning of family vacation. We are in the Outer Banks, and it is beautiful here. I cannot wait to go on the beach tomorrow and relax. It was a crazy week, and I need to get my feet in the sand.

Sometimes, life is kind of funny. Although my week was insane, I also had a lot of fun chilling with my friends and enjoying their company. I just hope I haven't gone too far...

Also, I am looking forward to my mini-vacation with Andrew. It'll be nice to have some time together without interruptions. You would never know it, but today has been 18 months that we have been together. Everything is very different though.Maybe he doesn't notice it, but I do. I just hope that this will be worth the time and effort... Only time will tell I suppose.

Writing helps though. It's like I have all of these thoughts in my head, and if I just write it out, I can figure some shit out. So let's see where it leads me.

it's empty
I hear the echoes through my body
like phantom voices
calling my name
I know it's you
and try as I might to answer your call
I struggle to open my eyes
there no longer is one light
but two
and which path I am to choose is uncertain
what is to come of this?
where is my mind?
it has shriveled to the depths of myself
and my only hope
is the pulsing heart behind my ribs
I am doomed
for already, I know,
I will choose the dimmer light

Dream within a dream

So, I'm sitting here writing this entry, right? Yet I am imagining so many other situations or locations where I could be doing something completely different. What if I was NOT on my couch watching The Secret Window cuddling with my Spongebob blanket? What if I was at a park sitting on a rock overlooking a lake? What if I was in Jersey in someone else's bed? I don't know.

But which would it be?

When I first saw The Secret Window, it blew my mind. I definitely did not see it coming...not at all. I don't know if maybe I was just too oblivious to what was happening to realize who was who...that isn't bad, is it? Regardless, I love this movie.

Sometimes, I think about things and they spark new ideas and then it kind of looks something like this...

I felt that breeze upon my cheek
as I looked into the sky
etched with summer color I was
captivated by beauty
And though I swear you looked on
I could see the hesitation in your eyes
not knowing whether to keep your gaze
or shift your eyes subtly to me
There was no question
my heart beat quickened and I was
instantly being stalked by some
imaginary predator
What do I know?
There is no logic behind this flesh
I am raw from the tenseness
My muscles are tight and unforgiving
I know my lips are set in a smile
but I feel nothing
Too quick does my mind move
I am liquid once more.

Been a while.

Well, I apologize. It has been too long, but the thing is, I've been so busy. Work last week was ridiculously busy, getting ready for a wedding and whatnot. Saturday was the wedding, so I have had no time. Also, I've been hanging out with friends a lot and coming home around two or three in the morning, leaving me no time to write.

And I must say, I am in a writing mood. Maybe I don't write enough on this blog. I don't like to share my writing with many people, but I think that the number of people who read my entries is slim, so I'm safe, for now. [=

Here goes nothing.

Early morning light seeps between the blinds
I don't want to wake you
Shadows dance playfully
on your peaceful face
and I have to catch my breath
For no feeling is greater than
that of no worries
You start to stir and
I'm standing on a ledge
suddenly on edge and
I think to myself
"What are the benefits of jumping?"
In that moment, you open your eyes
and smile
The corners of the room blur
We are nowhere and everywhere all at once
My mind is a clean slate, all forgotten
We are safe once again
The time passes, and once you cross the thresh hold
out of my house and into the world
The force of the past overwhelms me
I am caught off guard
Desperately trying to forget
"leave" I whisper
yet the memories remain
and I am helpless
Days may pass, but not without conflict
Until the time comes when you think of more than one
We can never return to our former glory


Ahhh the writing. It cleanses me. Enjoy.

Fireflies

This past weekend, I attended a music festival called Firefly in Dover, DE. Can I just say that it was mind-blowing. Let's just take a look at who I saw this past weekend:

-The Killers
-Death Cab for Cutie
-Jack White
-The Black Keys
-Bassnectar
-Modest Mouse
-The Flaming Lips
-Young the Giant
-Ok Go
-The Wallflowers
-Awolnation
-Grouplove
-The Cults
-Ra Ra Riot
-Walk the Moon
-Blind Pilot

The ones that I've bolded were my favorites. Awolnation was fantastic. At first, I thought that they were going to be a more techno-type band, but it was pure rock and the singing was phenomenal. I couldn't have asked for a better show from them. And the crowd surfing was insane! You would not believe the amount of people that wanted to be lifted up and touched by random people. What surprised me the most was the amount of guys that did it. I thought crowd surfing was more of a girl thing?

Bassnectar is a show I do not get tired of. I saw them at Governor's Island last summer, and the show was insane. Watching him womp onstage made me get so much more into the music. I could feel the bass pulsing through me as the songs went on. I can never tire of him. Next stop: Skrillex. If I can see that show, my life will be complete.

What can I say about The Flaming Lips? When Wayne Coyne came into the audience in a huge ball like Bubble Boy, I was beyond ecstatic. There were cannons that shot confetti into the audience and giant balloons that were thrown. Of course, Young the Giant put on a great show, too. So many bands that I came to learn about this weekend.

Now, let me please tell you all about WALK THE MOON because I am in love with them. The lead singer, Nicholas Petricca, is the cutest thing you will ever see. He is so full of life on the stage that it makes you automatically love them. The best way I can describe them is a modern eighties band, and it is FANTASTIC. For now, they are tied as my favorite band with Jet, because I love them so much. Check them out! Their music just makes me so happy. 


Firefly was an amazing event. The place where they held the festival was sick. There was a hammock hangout, art, a forest with neon trees, and good food (I have discovered churros and I see the light). If they keep a good lineup, I will definitely be in attendance next year to the awesomeness that is Firefly.


And definitely do camping. It's way better than a hotel.

Imagine.

Why is it that the people you love are the ones that hurt you the most? It's just so ironic that this is the way life decides to portray love. I mean, a girl can hear "I'm sorry" so many times before she realizes that it has no meaning. Why can't I catch a break?

Sometimes, I think I'm lying to myself, telling myself that this relationship is more worth it than it actually is. I don't have all of the answers, and I honestly keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, I can be happy, but it just doesn't seem to be in my future any time soon. Unfortunately, I don't think it is worth it at all.

There's no turning back now, though. I have to wait the summer out. We are attending a wedding together and going on vacation. It's just funny because we'll be doing really well, but then you give him a situation where he has to balance out his life and me, and forget about it. Everything else comes before me. And trust me, I'm not clingy, but if you know you aren't going to see me or talk to me for three days, don't yah think you might wanna do that rather than get drunk at the bar?

I mean, that's what I would do, but maybe it isn't that obvious.

All the happy-ending movies piss me off. It isn't like that. Relationships don't just work in the end because two people love each other. Saying you love someone isn't enough. Maybe it isn't enough for this either. I used to think it was.

But not anymore.

Becoming a cynic seems to be my next best option. I think a life without men may be just what I need. All this shit is giving me a headache, and I know I don't deserve to be treated the way I do. Hopefully, the path of this relationship changes course soon, or I'll be flyin' solo to Italy in the Spring and partying alone in the Fall. No problem for me.

I'd just rather not waste my time.

Fuzzy.

Sometimes, I think of you.
It can trigger immense emotion of happiness,
of lightness,
of being infinite.
Some emotions seize me,
overwhelming,
blinding,
numbing.
My heart constricts
I'm conflicted.
I watch you sleep,
how peaceful you are;
it's calming.

Sometimes, I think of you.
We are happy and sad and
frustrated and angry
and lost and found and,
most important of all,
together.
I know now it doesn't matter
what we are.


When we are near, I feel
electric.
Like fire caused by friction,
we are burning, engulfing the world.
Melted, fused together,
we are connected by energy
flowing between us, through us.
Never-ending.

My vision is fuzzy,
my mouth is dry,
my skin is cold.
I'm on my knees
praying for no pain.
And when the day comes,
the smile will reach my eyes
as well.

Warm evenings.

Today, driving with the windows down and a warm summer breeze flowing through the car was amazing. Some every day activities seem more meaningful once in a while. Listening to music, I felt the words striking a nerve. The lyrics were real, the music was flowing through my veins. And I felt alive.

Looking out the window, I could feel energies. Let me explain. I'm not going to say I don't believe in God, because that necessarily isn't it. I just believe in all people having energies, and that all things living are connected by these energies, tangling nature and human into an invisible bond that cannot be broken. Maybe it's just the Native American in me, but that is what I feel, and I'm sticking to it. So today, while staring out the window of the car, I felt so many energies it was almost overwhelming.

I was so happy. I am so happy. I could not help but smile as I felt warmth spread through my body and into my soul. For the first time in a long time, I felt connected to the world, and I felt free.

Sometimes, I wish that I could write down what I was thinking as soon as I thought it. Throughout the day, I think "Wow, I would really like to share that with someone," but by the time I have someone to tell, I have completely forgotten what it is I wanted to say. Then, I start writing these blogs and it helps for me to dissect my thoughts and share these thoughts.

Unfortunately, I have not had a chance to start writing my book again. It is going to be so hard to start up again, but I still am worried about finding someone to publish it. There is so much that I want to do to help other people, especially young teens. What I went through in eighth grade was tough, and I want to let other teens know that it is normal to feel those things and to not hesitate to ask for help.

Maybe someone will read this blog and push me in the right direction. I don't know. I hope that once I start writing almost every day that this blog will become more popular, along with my thoughts and my hopes of becoming an author.

Only time will tell. All I know is that life is great, and I am thankful for all of the people in my life.

Too long.

It has been too long since my last post.

My life has changed a lot over the past year. I want to continue writing my book, and to record my life in a blog. Sometimes, crazy things happen, or I come to realizations that may or may not help other people.

As for right now, I'm watching Doug, an old favorite of mine, and I'm thinking about all of the things I want to share. There are so many revelations I've come to. It has been such a crazy year. To sum things up for everyone, here is what I've learned.

1. I am a good person.
2. If someone who claims to be a good friend does not say anything about your relative dying, then they are not worth your time.
3. When someone lies to you, it is very hard to forgive them, but if they have a good heart, it may be worth your time.

and 4. I do deserve to be happy.

Some things are harder for me to come to terms with. Such as, my weight is not something I need to work on, but I just cannot seem to wrap my head around that. Or that I should be more confident in myself, and not depend on others for answers. I suppose all people have their flaws, and as I am only human, these things will be worked on. Constantly, I am working on myself. I want to be the best Jazmine I can be.

Two years of college have passed, and I am slowly realizing that I am, inevitably, as all people do, growing older. Sure, I am coming into some of the most exciting years of my life, but there are so many things happening in my life that I constantly feel overwhelmed. As a college student, I am involved in many different events and clubs and organizations, as well as overloading my schedule, while finding time for friends, family, and my dearest Andrew. As a summer kid, I balance my time between concerts, road trips, random outings, work, my family, and constant trips to Hoboken and visits from the boy.

I feel as if I am in constant motion. Isn't there something in physics that says that something in constant motion remains in constant motion? I don't know...I was never good at science.

The more that I write, the more that I notice I have realized so many things. I could probably write forever of the things I have realized in the past year, but one thing remains the most important.

I am happy, and as long as I continue to be true to myself, I always will be.

Once again, I apologize for not keeping up in my blog, but I will devote my time to this, as well as tweeting and tumblr-ing. I don't know why, but I feel like these things are important right now in my life.

Let the blogging begin.