Sometimes, it take me a while to write these blog posts. I don't know why. I could start one and have it just sitting on my computer screen for weeks, and I'll come back to it and think, What was I trying to do here? Other times, I will sit looking at the blinking cursor and be wondering what the hell I have to write about anyways?
I suppose that no matter what happens in a person's life, it seems like the biggest occurrence to them. For instance, anything that has happened in my life, I try not to complain about because I know other people who have been through worse. And isn't that the way we should think? Considering all of the awful things that could happen to me in this lifetime, I'm pretty damn lucky. I just try to remember that before I complain or cry or do any irrational action.
Won't lie, though, my life is a crazy rollercoaster. I don't know which way is up and which way is down half of the time. If you try to ask me how I'm feeling, you'll get an "I'm good," but most of it's bullshit. What else am I supposed to say? When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really want to hear about their shitty lives and how overwhelming some insignificant detail is? Call me when you have a real problem, please. Except I never say that. I'll play psychologist 24/7 if I have to. Listening...it's in my nature. And besides, I actually care about people and their problems, no matter how big or small. I've been there.
I've been in the situation where there is literally nothing wrong in my life but I still feel helpless, useless, and shitty and still want to end my life. And how do you convey that to people? People who actually deal with hardships. How do you tell someone who's mom died that you have a great family and good friends and do well in school that you are depressed and want to kill yourself? You just don't. And that's how these things happen.
It's just like how my school has been. Do you think I'm going to complain to my friend who lost her dad and my other friend who lost her brother in a car accident that I'm upset about my breakup? Fuck no. That's so fucked on so many levels that I don't even know how to express myself. And the worst part is that they keep asking me how I'm doing and I just want to scream who gives a fuck about me? Things could be so much worse!
Then I get this concussion and I guess it's pretty bad and all these people are worried about me, right? All I can think is that he is too ignorant to text me and be like hey, I know we aren't talking right now but I know you're in the hospital, is everything okay? Maybe he doesn't know, but I think he would by now and it still bothers me he hasn't said anything because he's a coward and I just have to accept that.
God, it feels so good to just write. These are kind of like journal entries, except they are public and anyone can read them. I don't mind, though. Maybe one day someone will comment and be like HEY I feel the same way you do about this. And I'll be like SWEET let's have a conversation.
And who knows? It may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.