Realization.

So I turned twenty-one. It still seems surreal. And it isn't the fact that I can now legally drink...I think it is that I waited so long to be able to say "I'm heading to the bar" simply because all of my friends are older and have been able to do that for a while now. All in all, I feel like I'm getting old and growing up and that my age does not correspond with my maturity level.

I feel like I have this huge responsibility now, and I don't know why. That is just how I'm feeling...all of this extra weight on my shoulders. Maybe it is because I'm another year older. Maybe it's because I have a lot on my plate. Or maybe it's just because I'm happy most of the time with a blurred edge of sadness and I can't seem to shake it. Who knows.

All I know is to write what I know. I know that it feels like I've been in college for months and months rather than just four weeks. I know that so much has happened in so little time, and I am constantly surprised by the sharp turns my life takes. I know that I am making friends and losing friends. I know that, for the most part, I hover on the line of confusion and clarity. I know that I cannot wait to get out of here on an airplane and go to a remote part of Italy and chill for five months. These are things I know.

I can't really write what I don't know because it would probably look something like this:

gewiohgioewjgyrhieyopwjhyeiopwiopy LIFE ghrioheriowujyeiowyhetiwtewhtieow IS gbrweuioghetioqhetgioqhtewohtoewCRAAZYgewophgoewgwenoweyjotepwtjeowtnmewopjhtewn

So, as you can see, my thoughts are all over the place, and it is probably better that I write what I know. I like using my words to express thoughts and feelings, but sometimes, things are better left unsaid and I wish that my heart would listen to my brain sometimes when it says, "Jazmine, I know you feel a certain way, but you got to shut the fuck up." Probably would make life just that much easier.

Really, I love the fact that not many people read this blog. One of my professors asked me what I write about. Is there supposed to be a theme? I just get on here and I think, "Hm, what is pissing me off today?" and I run with it. Isn't that better than forcing yourself to write about something you know you or anyone else doesn't care about? I sure as hell think so.

My family is visiting on Saturday, and I couldn't be more thrilled. After getting a concussion and spending four hours in the emergency room, I surely could use a mom hug. Which really are the best hugs. Moms can make everything feel better, even when you know that nothing is all right. A mom sort of softens the blow, makes you forget for a while how messed up everything is.

I wonder if anyone else does what I do. Sometimes, I will look at a person and think about if they are actually happy or if they are pretending. I know people can't tell the difference when I do, so I wonder if I can even tell.


I love tangents. My blog posts? One big tangent. You're welcome.