A long pause.

Sometimes, it take me a while to write these blog posts. I don't know why. I could start one and have it just sitting on my computer screen for weeks, and I'll come back to it and think, What was I trying to do here? Other times, I will sit looking at the blinking cursor and be wondering what the hell I have to write about anyways?

I suppose that no matter what happens in a person's life, it seems like the biggest occurrence to them. For instance, anything that has happened in my life, I try not to complain about because I know other people who have been through worse. And isn't that the way we should think? Considering all of the awful things that could happen to me in this lifetime, I'm pretty damn lucky. I just try to remember that before I complain or cry or do any irrational action.

Won't lie, though, my life is a crazy rollercoaster. I don't know which way is up and which way is down half of the time. If you try to ask me how I'm feeling, you'll get an "I'm good," but most of it's bullshit. What else am I supposed to say? When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really want to hear about their shitty lives and how overwhelming some insignificant detail is? Call me when you have a real problem, please. Except I never say that. I'll play psychologist 24/7 if I have to. Listening...it's in my nature. And besides, I actually care about people and their problems, no matter how big or small. I've been there.

I've been in the situation where there is literally nothing wrong in my life but I still feel helpless, useless, and shitty and still want to end my life. And how do you convey that to people? People who actually deal with hardships. How do you tell someone who's mom died that you have a great family and good friends and do well in school that you are depressed and want to kill yourself? You just don't. And that's how these things happen.

It's just like how my school has been. Do you think I'm going to complain to my friend who lost her dad and my other friend who lost her brother in a car accident that I'm upset about my breakup? Fuck no. That's so fucked on so many levels that I don't even know how to express myself. And the worst part is that they keep asking me how I'm doing and I just want to scream who gives a fuck about me? Things could be so much worse!

Then I get this concussion and I guess it's pretty bad and all these people are worried about me, right? All I can think is that he is too ignorant to text me and be like hey, I know we aren't talking right now but I know you're in the hospital, is everything okay? Maybe he doesn't know, but I think he would by now and it still bothers me he hasn't said anything because he's a coward and I just have to accept that.


God, it feels so good to just write. These are kind of like journal entries, except they are public and anyone can read them. I don't mind, though. Maybe one day someone will comment and be like HEY I feel the same way you do about this. And I'll be like SWEET let's have a conversation.

And who knows? It may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Where is my mind?

So this is it. The beginning of family vacation. We are in the Outer Banks, and it is beautiful here. I cannot wait to go on the beach tomorrow and relax. It was a crazy week, and I need to get my feet in the sand.

Sometimes, life is kind of funny. Although my week was insane, I also had a lot of fun chilling with my friends and enjoying their company. I just hope I haven't gone too far...

Also, I am looking forward to my mini-vacation with Andrew. It'll be nice to have some time together without interruptions. You would never know it, but today has been 18 months that we have been together. Everything is very different though.Maybe he doesn't notice it, but I do. I just hope that this will be worth the time and effort... Only time will tell I suppose.

Writing helps though. It's like I have all of these thoughts in my head, and if I just write it out, I can figure some shit out. So let's see where it leads me.

it's empty
I hear the echoes through my body
like phantom voices
calling my name
I know it's you
and try as I might to answer your call
I struggle to open my eyes
there no longer is one light
but two
and which path I am to choose is uncertain
what is to come of this?
where is my mind?
it has shriveled to the depths of myself
and my only hope
is the pulsing heart behind my ribs
I am doomed
for already, I know,
I will choose the dimmer light

Dream within a dream

So, I'm sitting here writing this entry, right? Yet I am imagining so many other situations or locations where I could be doing something completely different. What if I was NOT on my couch watching The Secret Window cuddling with my Spongebob blanket? What if I was at a park sitting on a rock overlooking a lake? What if I was in Jersey in someone else's bed? I don't know.

But which would it be?

When I first saw The Secret Window, it blew my mind. I definitely did not see it coming...not at all. I don't know if maybe I was just too oblivious to what was happening to realize who was who...that isn't bad, is it? Regardless, I love this movie.

Sometimes, I think about things and they spark new ideas and then it kind of looks something like this...

I felt that breeze upon my cheek
as I looked into the sky
etched with summer color I was
captivated by beauty
And though I swear you looked on
I could see the hesitation in your eyes
not knowing whether to keep your gaze
or shift your eyes subtly to me
There was no question
my heart beat quickened and I was
instantly being stalked by some
imaginary predator
What do I know?
There is no logic behind this flesh
I am raw from the tenseness
My muscles are tight and unforgiving
I know my lips are set in a smile
but I feel nothing
Too quick does my mind move
I am liquid once more.

Been a while.

Well, I apologize. It has been too long, but the thing is, I've been so busy. Work last week was ridiculously busy, getting ready for a wedding and whatnot. Saturday was the wedding, so I have had no time. Also, I've been hanging out with friends a lot and coming home around two or three in the morning, leaving me no time to write.

And I must say, I am in a writing mood. Maybe I don't write enough on this blog. I don't like to share my writing with many people, but I think that the number of people who read my entries is slim, so I'm safe, for now. [=

Here goes nothing.

Early morning light seeps between the blinds
I don't want to wake you
Shadows dance playfully
on your peaceful face
and I have to catch my breath
For no feeling is greater than
that of no worries
You start to stir and
I'm standing on a ledge
suddenly on edge and
I think to myself
"What are the benefits of jumping?"
In that moment, you open your eyes
and smile
The corners of the room blur
We are nowhere and everywhere all at once
My mind is a clean slate, all forgotten
We are safe once again
The time passes, and once you cross the thresh hold
out of my house and into the world
The force of the past overwhelms me
I am caught off guard
Desperately trying to forget
"leave" I whisper
yet the memories remain
and I am helpless
Days may pass, but not without conflict
Until the time comes when you think of more than one
We can never return to our former glory


Ahhh the writing. It cleanses me. Enjoy.

Fireflies

This past weekend, I attended a music festival called Firefly in Dover, DE. Can I just say that it was mind-blowing. Let's just take a look at who I saw this past weekend:

-The Killers
-Death Cab for Cutie
-Jack White
-The Black Keys
-Bassnectar
-Modest Mouse
-The Flaming Lips
-Young the Giant
-Ok Go
-The Wallflowers
-Awolnation
-Grouplove
-The Cults
-Ra Ra Riot
-Walk the Moon
-Blind Pilot

The ones that I've bolded were my favorites. Awolnation was fantastic. At first, I thought that they were going to be a more techno-type band, but it was pure rock and the singing was phenomenal. I couldn't have asked for a better show from them. And the crowd surfing was insane! You would not believe the amount of people that wanted to be lifted up and touched by random people. What surprised me the most was the amount of guys that did it. I thought crowd surfing was more of a girl thing?

Bassnectar is a show I do not get tired of. I saw them at Governor's Island last summer, and the show was insane. Watching him womp onstage made me get so much more into the music. I could feel the bass pulsing through me as the songs went on. I can never tire of him. Next stop: Skrillex. If I can see that show, my life will be complete.

What can I say about The Flaming Lips? When Wayne Coyne came into the audience in a huge ball like Bubble Boy, I was beyond ecstatic. There were cannons that shot confetti into the audience and giant balloons that were thrown. Of course, Young the Giant put on a great show, too. So many bands that I came to learn about this weekend.

Now, let me please tell you all about WALK THE MOON because I am in love with them. The lead singer, Nicholas Petricca, is the cutest thing you will ever see. He is so full of life on the stage that it makes you automatically love them. The best way I can describe them is a modern eighties band, and it is FANTASTIC. For now, they are tied as my favorite band with Jet, because I love them so much. Check them out! Their music just makes me so happy. 


Firefly was an amazing event. The place where they held the festival was sick. There was a hammock hangout, art, a forest with neon trees, and good food (I have discovered churros and I see the light). If they keep a good lineup, I will definitely be in attendance next year to the awesomeness that is Firefly.


And definitely do camping. It's way better than a hotel.

Imagine.

Why is it that the people you love are the ones that hurt you the most? It's just so ironic that this is the way life decides to portray love. I mean, a girl can hear "I'm sorry" so many times before she realizes that it has no meaning. Why can't I catch a break?

Sometimes, I think I'm lying to myself, telling myself that this relationship is more worth it than it actually is. I don't have all of the answers, and I honestly keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, I can be happy, but it just doesn't seem to be in my future any time soon. Unfortunately, I don't think it is worth it at all.

There's no turning back now, though. I have to wait the summer out. We are attending a wedding together and going on vacation. It's just funny because we'll be doing really well, but then you give him a situation where he has to balance out his life and me, and forget about it. Everything else comes before me. And trust me, I'm not clingy, but if you know you aren't going to see me or talk to me for three days, don't yah think you might wanna do that rather than get drunk at the bar?

I mean, that's what I would do, but maybe it isn't that obvious.

All the happy-ending movies piss me off. It isn't like that. Relationships don't just work in the end because two people love each other. Saying you love someone isn't enough. Maybe it isn't enough for this either. I used to think it was.

But not anymore.

Becoming a cynic seems to be my next best option. I think a life without men may be just what I need. All this shit is giving me a headache, and I know I don't deserve to be treated the way I do. Hopefully, the path of this relationship changes course soon, or I'll be flyin' solo to Italy in the Spring and partying alone in the Fall. No problem for me.

I'd just rather not waste my time.

Fuzzy.

Sometimes, I think of you.
It can trigger immense emotion of happiness,
of lightness,
of being infinite.
Some emotions seize me,
overwhelming,
blinding,
numbing.
My heart constricts
I'm conflicted.
I watch you sleep,
how peaceful you are;
it's calming.

Sometimes, I think of you.
We are happy and sad and
frustrated and angry
and lost and found and,
most important of all,
together.
I know now it doesn't matter
what we are.


When we are near, I feel
electric.
Like fire caused by friction,
we are burning, engulfing the world.
Melted, fused together,
we are connected by energy
flowing between us, through us.
Never-ending.

My vision is fuzzy,
my mouth is dry,
my skin is cold.
I'm on my knees
praying for no pain.
And when the day comes,
the smile will reach my eyes
as well.