Pre-departure.

Hello everyone!

I am leaving for Italy to study abroad in about 20 days, and I want to keep a blog while I'm there. I'll be gone for 114 days and I don't want to forget anything that I experience while I'm over there! So this is the beginning.

First, I wanted to start with how I'm feeling about being gone for so long. Here's the thing: I'm super excited, I really am. I mean, come on, I'm studying in Italy! What's better than the food, culture, language and people of another country? The culture is what's most exciting for me: I can't wait to see how I interact with the locals and conduct myself in another country. It'll be an eye-opening experience being completely independent.

But here's the other thing: This is my home. These are my friends and family and bed and cats and whatnot. So much can happen in that span of time, and it freaks me out that I won't know what's going on back home while I'm gone. Isn't that weird to think of? Here's all of these people I see every day on campus, whether it's in class or Benny's or anywhere else, and I will not see any of them for four months. It's crazy!

So I'm this weird in between about leaving right now. As excited I am, I'm also nervous. Did I mention that I'm taking all of my classes in Italian as well? Oh, yeah that's happening, too. Italians talk extremely fast, and I'm worried I won't be able to understand what's going on and then I'll fail and ahhhhh. I mean, I've been learning the Italian language for the past nine years, so hopefully that helps me out a bit. I'm supposed to be living with international and Italian students, so maybe that will help as well.

Either way, my Italian is going to become damn good. I really am going to miss everyone, though. All of my friends at school, my brothers, my parents, my kitties...it'll be difficult to adjust.

I want to get the most out of my experience, though, so I'll fight through the nervousness and anxiety and make the best of my time abroad!

Stay tuned...I will probably freak out more during the next couple weeks.

Just saying. Three weeks until I leave? What?

This is life.

Sometimes, he catches my eye and I'm taken back to a different time. There's so many pictures on my wall, and he is not in one of them. I look at myself in the pictures, and I can see the difference. It's not just from him; it's life in general. What happened to everyone? It seems so different than it once was. Can't quite put my finger on it, but something has changed.

Maybe it's just me.

I can see the difference. My eyes are hollow. There once was a fire that burned deep within me, but nothing gets me anymore. I don't feel anything, but I've accepted it. The crying has stopped, for the most part. The past is bubbling, threatening to overflow like a pot of boiling water. The eruption is coming; when and where I cannot say. In drunken stupors I lash out and lose myself, but what good does that do? Morning comes and I can still feel the emptiness. Alcohol is just the temporary, numbing solution.

Music. Each song drives a stake of depression deeper and deeper into my gut until I'm doubled over with dry heaves. I'm not hungry. I don't sleep. This is worse than before; where did I lose myself? Can anyone see the loss of will I have now? Try to be strong. Don't go over the edge. I can handle this.


Lies. I wait for the day to end, floating through every class and meeting and encounter a ghost. When I crawl into bed, I cannot recall the last meal I ate, who I've seen, or what I've done. Everything is meaningless and useless.

Bland. Mundane. Nonexistent.

I used to be so terrified of not existing. I welcome it. Numb me. Give me anesthesia and put me to sleep so I can rest my throbbing head and aching body. Constantly tired, I'm in a haze. Foggy.

I just want to forget.

Realization.

So I turned twenty-one. It still seems surreal. And it isn't the fact that I can now legally drink...I think it is that I waited so long to be able to say "I'm heading to the bar" simply because all of my friends are older and have been able to do that for a while now. All in all, I feel like I'm getting old and growing up and that my age does not correspond with my maturity level.

I feel like I have this huge responsibility now, and I don't know why. That is just how I'm feeling...all of this extra weight on my shoulders. Maybe it is because I'm another year older. Maybe it's because I have a lot on my plate. Or maybe it's just because I'm happy most of the time with a blurred edge of sadness and I can't seem to shake it. Who knows.

All I know is to write what I know. I know that it feels like I've been in college for months and months rather than just four weeks. I know that so much has happened in so little time, and I am constantly surprised by the sharp turns my life takes. I know that I am making friends and losing friends. I know that, for the most part, I hover on the line of confusion and clarity. I know that I cannot wait to get out of here on an airplane and go to a remote part of Italy and chill for five months. These are things I know.

I can't really write what I don't know because it would probably look something like this:

gewiohgioewjgyrhieyopwjhyeiopwiopy LIFE ghrioheriowujyeiowyhetiwtewhtieow IS gbrweuioghetioqhetgioqhtewohtoewCRAAZYgewophgoewgwenoweyjotepwtjeowtnmewopjhtewn

So, as you can see, my thoughts are all over the place, and it is probably better that I write what I know. I like using my words to express thoughts and feelings, but sometimes, things are better left unsaid and I wish that my heart would listen to my brain sometimes when it says, "Jazmine, I know you feel a certain way, but you got to shut the fuck up." Probably would make life just that much easier.

Really, I love the fact that not many people read this blog. One of my professors asked me what I write about. Is there supposed to be a theme? I just get on here and I think, "Hm, what is pissing me off today?" and I run with it. Isn't that better than forcing yourself to write about something you know you or anyone else doesn't care about? I sure as hell think so.

My family is visiting on Saturday, and I couldn't be more thrilled. After getting a concussion and spending four hours in the emergency room, I surely could use a mom hug. Which really are the best hugs. Moms can make everything feel better, even when you know that nothing is all right. A mom sort of softens the blow, makes you forget for a while how messed up everything is.

I wonder if anyone else does what I do. Sometimes, I will look at a person and think about if they are actually happy or if they are pretending. I know people can't tell the difference when I do, so I wonder if I can even tell.


I love tangents. My blog posts? One big tangent. You're welcome.

A long pause.

Sometimes, it take me a while to write these blog posts. I don't know why. I could start one and have it just sitting on my computer screen for weeks, and I'll come back to it and think, What was I trying to do here? Other times, I will sit looking at the blinking cursor and be wondering what the hell I have to write about anyways?

I suppose that no matter what happens in a person's life, it seems like the biggest occurrence to them. For instance, anything that has happened in my life, I try not to complain about because I know other people who have been through worse. And isn't that the way we should think? Considering all of the awful things that could happen to me in this lifetime, I'm pretty damn lucky. I just try to remember that before I complain or cry or do any irrational action.

Won't lie, though, my life is a crazy rollercoaster. I don't know which way is up and which way is down half of the time. If you try to ask me how I'm feeling, you'll get an "I'm good," but most of it's bullshit. What else am I supposed to say? When you ask someone how they are doing, do you really want to hear about their shitty lives and how overwhelming some insignificant detail is? Call me when you have a real problem, please. Except I never say that. I'll play psychologist 24/7 if I have to. Listening...it's in my nature. And besides, I actually care about people and their problems, no matter how big or small. I've been there.

I've been in the situation where there is literally nothing wrong in my life but I still feel helpless, useless, and shitty and still want to end my life. And how do you convey that to people? People who actually deal with hardships. How do you tell someone who's mom died that you have a great family and good friends and do well in school that you are depressed and want to kill yourself? You just don't. And that's how these things happen.

It's just like how my school has been. Do you think I'm going to complain to my friend who lost her dad and my other friend who lost her brother in a car accident that I'm upset about my breakup? Fuck no. That's so fucked on so many levels that I don't even know how to express myself. And the worst part is that they keep asking me how I'm doing and I just want to scream who gives a fuck about me? Things could be so much worse!

Then I get this concussion and I guess it's pretty bad and all these people are worried about me, right? All I can think is that he is too ignorant to text me and be like hey, I know we aren't talking right now but I know you're in the hospital, is everything okay? Maybe he doesn't know, but I think he would by now and it still bothers me he hasn't said anything because he's a coward and I just have to accept that.


God, it feels so good to just write. These are kind of like journal entries, except they are public and anyone can read them. I don't mind, though. Maybe one day someone will comment and be like HEY I feel the same way you do about this. And I'll be like SWEET let's have a conversation.

And who knows? It may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Where is my mind?

So this is it. The beginning of family vacation. We are in the Outer Banks, and it is beautiful here. I cannot wait to go on the beach tomorrow and relax. It was a crazy week, and I need to get my feet in the sand.

Sometimes, life is kind of funny. Although my week was insane, I also had a lot of fun chilling with my friends and enjoying their company. I just hope I haven't gone too far...

Also, I am looking forward to my mini-vacation with Andrew. It'll be nice to have some time together without interruptions. You would never know it, but today has been 18 months that we have been together. Everything is very different though.Maybe he doesn't notice it, but I do. I just hope that this will be worth the time and effort... Only time will tell I suppose.

Writing helps though. It's like I have all of these thoughts in my head, and if I just write it out, I can figure some shit out. So let's see where it leads me.

it's empty
I hear the echoes through my body
like phantom voices
calling my name
I know it's you
and try as I might to answer your call
I struggle to open my eyes
there no longer is one light
but two
and which path I am to choose is uncertain
what is to come of this?
where is my mind?
it has shriveled to the depths of myself
and my only hope
is the pulsing heart behind my ribs
I am doomed
for already, I know,
I will choose the dimmer light

Dream within a dream

So, I'm sitting here writing this entry, right? Yet I am imagining so many other situations or locations where I could be doing something completely different. What if I was NOT on my couch watching The Secret Window cuddling with my Spongebob blanket? What if I was at a park sitting on a rock overlooking a lake? What if I was in Jersey in someone else's bed? I don't know.

But which would it be?

When I first saw The Secret Window, it blew my mind. I definitely did not see it coming...not at all. I don't know if maybe I was just too oblivious to what was happening to realize who was who...that isn't bad, is it? Regardless, I love this movie.

Sometimes, I think about things and they spark new ideas and then it kind of looks something like this...

I felt that breeze upon my cheek
as I looked into the sky
etched with summer color I was
captivated by beauty
And though I swear you looked on
I could see the hesitation in your eyes
not knowing whether to keep your gaze
or shift your eyes subtly to me
There was no question
my heart beat quickened and I was
instantly being stalked by some
imaginary predator
What do I know?
There is no logic behind this flesh
I am raw from the tenseness
My muscles are tight and unforgiving
I know my lips are set in a smile
but I feel nothing
Too quick does my mind move
I am liquid once more.

Been a while.

Well, I apologize. It has been too long, but the thing is, I've been so busy. Work last week was ridiculously busy, getting ready for a wedding and whatnot. Saturday was the wedding, so I have had no time. Also, I've been hanging out with friends a lot and coming home around two or three in the morning, leaving me no time to write.

And I must say, I am in a writing mood. Maybe I don't write enough on this blog. I don't like to share my writing with many people, but I think that the number of people who read my entries is slim, so I'm safe, for now. [=

Here goes nothing.

Early morning light seeps between the blinds
I don't want to wake you
Shadows dance playfully
on your peaceful face
and I have to catch my breath
For no feeling is greater than
that of no worries
You start to stir and
I'm standing on a ledge
suddenly on edge and
I think to myself
"What are the benefits of jumping?"
In that moment, you open your eyes
and smile
The corners of the room blur
We are nowhere and everywhere all at once
My mind is a clean slate, all forgotten
We are safe once again
The time passes, and once you cross the thresh hold
out of my house and into the world
The force of the past overwhelms me
I am caught off guard
Desperately trying to forget
"leave" I whisper
yet the memories remain
and I am helpless
Days may pass, but not without conflict
Until the time comes when you think of more than one
We can never return to our former glory


Ahhh the writing. It cleanses me. Enjoy.